Dear American Politicians,
First of all, I hope this letter finds you well. I’m sure that it does considering you rake in the big bucks doing… well I don’t exactly know what it is you do. For your job I mean. Of course, it’s quite publicized what you do in your free time. And I’m not sure I approve. But then again, it’s not up to me.
What I wanted to talk to you about is: you need to really be better about not getting caught doing things you’re not supposed to be doing. I’m personally becoming sick of turning on the TV and seeing scandal after scandal regarding congressmen and governors and presidents being stupid and uncool. Honestly, I feel like I hear more about their private lives than the activities that they engage in that ACTUALLY concern their constituents – more “love” than laws, if you get my drift.
As a teenager, I hide things from people all the time – from my parents, from my friends, from my teachers – and I very rarely get caught. SO I would like to offer some advice.
1) When lying, do not make up a lie that is too big. If you’ve ever heard the anecdote about being in a hole and just digging it deeper, think about that. The bigger the lie, the more lies you will have to make up to cover it. For example, when flying to Argentina to visit your mistress, do not say that you are hiking the Appalachian Trail. Your wife will undoubtedly wonder why you need a passport to go to the mountain in the next state over and you will have to make up a lie to cover that, etc.
2) If you are caught, be caught. Accept it. The more you evade the inevitable, the bigger of a deal that it becomes. Saying “I did not have sexual relations with that woman” assertively after you’ve been caught, does not make it all go away.
3) Lie by yourself. Do not bring others into it. Chances are, when in a high profile position, those who work for you are probably only looking to further their careers, not be your best friend and confidant. Also, when you do stupid things, and they write it down because you brought them into it, they’ll probably make a lot of money handing those writings off to a publisher. And then you will be sorry.
Well, that’s all the advice I have for now. But I’ll leave you with one last thing: DO YOUR JOBS; do them well and do not let personal matters get in the way of your helping those that count on you. If you focus on what you’re supposed to be doing, rather than what’s in your pants wants to be doing, I feel like we’ll all probably be a bit better off.
Sincerely,
A Concerned Citizen
