But if you think you might’ve seen it, here’s what it is, so you’ll know for sure:

1. theory advocating elimination of private property
2. a system in which goods are owned in common and are available to all as needed
(Merriam-Webster)

If that doesn’t quite do it, here’s a little bit of Karl Marx (as in Marxism): “class society breeds alienation”—by which he meant that the working class have fewer chances (because they’re working class) to earn more and/or get good jobs. Marx also says that it fulfils a basic human need to have satisfying work and a share of the resulting product, and that goes for everyone (think of the idle rich). His plan was that the workers control the means of production (i.e., factory laborers run the factory themselves), and a revolution of the working class brings about a society in which everyone lives, as the saying goes, “from each according to his abilities, to each according to his needs.” Everyone has a vote, everyone gets to do the work s/he wants to do, and there won’t be any hunger or oppression because everyone will be happy and productive and call each other Comrade and not feel like oppressing anyone.

What’s Obama done that’s the least bit Marxist? Is he abolishing anyone’s right to inherit? Doing away with your right to own your personal possessions? Making Donald Trump open his doors to the homeless? That health care program seems to scare more than a few people into screaming “Communism!” I don’t know why. Lots of politicians, Democrats and Republicans both, have talked up a National Health Service for lots of years, suggesting we get with most of the other First-World countries that way. Medicare and Medicaid were started in 1965, and they’re both forms of national health insurance. Was LBJ a communist? That would’ve been pretty rich, since he had us pretty invested in fighting communism in Southeast Asia.

Would a Communist bail out the megabanks? Sure, there were some Congressional hearings, but if any of the bankers got a smack with a ruler it didn’t make the tabloids.

Think about this: the top 400 richest Americans have a combined wealth of more than $1.3 TRILLION. The richest 1% of Americans earns more than the bottom 50%. In 1973, the top 1% of earners collected 8% of the national income; by 2006 it was almost 23%. That’s a hell of a lot of money concentrated in the hands of a very small group. There’s also a very big gap growing between that group and the underclass. Historically, that tends to mean things get really bad for everyone.

So this handful of bankers gets bailed out, after running the US off the rails and shaking up the rest of the world as well. Goldman Sachs made a pile for themselves helping the Greek government hide their debt, and there’s nothing to stop them from doing more of the same. They can spend the bailout cash redecorating and so what. Would a Communist think that was OK? Someone who was into a classless society and the redistribution of wealth?

Obama’s not even as much of a left-leaner as that radical FDR, and it would be a great time to be one of those because we’re in the worst recession since the Great Depression of Franklin Roosevelt’s era. with the joblessness to match. FDR started the WPA, which created government programs with jobs for people to work all over the country and accomplish some enormous projects, like bringing electricity to the rural South. There are a few dorms on the campus of my alma mater that were built by the WPA—probably a lot of cities around the country can point out something from that time. There were lots and lots of ways the WPA got people working. It was work, not a “handout”, and it ended the Depression. Obama’s not proposing another WPA and that program was farther to the left than anything he’s done so far!

Anyway, if there had been any VALIDATED evidence that he has anti-American beliefs, he wouldn’t have been sworn in as President. I’m talking for-real, proven, no BS evidence that he plans to overthrow the government, not some spew off a web site that wants everyone to believe he was born in a foreign country (that has been disproved so often it’s just tired), so if you’re insisting he’s really African or Chinese or something you probably think the moon landings were fakes and Elvis is flipping burgers on the late shift.

Remember the system of checks and balances? Did you learn this in high school? Then you remember, the President is the top elected person, the Chief Justice of the Supremes is the top Judicial Person, and the President is sworn in by the Chief Justice. The Presidential Oath is required by the Constitution. If there had been absolute proof (again, VALIDATED proof) that this man was an enemy of the American people, Justice Roberts would not have administered the oath.

Personal beliefs are a little bit different. That’s something protected by the 1st Amendment. But there’s not really any evidence the President has personal Marxist beliefs. Sure, he’s studied with some Marxist teachers, but as the actor MacLean Stevenson (Col. Blake on MASH) once said, if teachers made that kind of impact “I would have grown up to be a nun.”

It’s a free country. You want to believe the President is a Commie, it’s your right. It doesn’t make any sense, but feel free.

Don’t get me wrong: it’s not like I want matchmakers and arranged marriages, and I don’t think the Shakers had it right. Everybody remember the Shakers? They made some nice furniture, but as a high school friend explained it to me, “They think sex is so dirty, the very fact you’re alive is obscene.” (That’s not exactly it but I like the way Cliff put it.) What I really like, and maybe this sounds like pie in the sky, is when you’re just going around being yourself, and somebody else is doing the same. You each get certain happy feelings when the other is around, and it goes from there, comfortably. This is easiest to do in group situations, maybe in school, or in a theater group, or while cattle rustling. Well, the first two have worked for me, and I have family in Texas.

Now, I see lots of evidence that there are people who go out on Dates (gulp), blind, or nearly—and I wonder, are they very brave, or do they drink a lot?

At the comedy clubs, sitting too close to the stage on a Date will get you razzed. “You two. First Date? Howdya meet? Think she puts out?”

You can try craigslist. You can find almost anything on craigslist. So while you’re looking for a gently used coffee table, why not try the personals? If nothing else, you’ll broaden your horizons. Amazing how some people want to spend an evening. (I mentioned that guy who likes feet a couple weeks ago.)

I keep getting SPAM from dating services:”Meet singles in your area for a large membership fee!” That seems to mean, pay money to read more ads from guys who like reading, movies, and long walks on the beach. Now, come on. Is there anyone who hates long walks on the beach? I mean, in general, not as in, “yes, I know this one beach covered in broken glass and medical waste, and you’d hate walking on it.” And the information about reading and movies is about as helpful as “I breathe air and digest food”. Great, this person is not actually illiterate and doesn’t have some phobia re. film projected on screens. It still doesn’t let me know, is there any chance I’m going one on one with a guy who has an autographed copy of Mein Kampf?

I also find it amazing that there are people who seem to have their minds completely made up about their perfect significant other, cause they put the shopping list out there for everyone to look at. How does anyone KNOW? Did this kind of person make you blissfully happy before? Well, why aren’t you still together, then? And if you’re sure you need a human who’s this exact height, this race, does this job, between X and Y age, looks good in black, makes a mean Denver omelet, who are you missing out on and what do these particular traits really matter anyhow? Well, your results may vary but I don’t think I’ve ever said, “I feel so close to Jim. He’s in the height range for it, that’s why I rely on him. You know we’ve been friends since college? I swear, if he were two inches taller this never would’ve happened.”

Seriously, here’s something I read: “He MUST be in his 50s, white, divorced or widowed, tall, handsome…If you are under 50, move on! Over 60 move on! Or if you are not Caucasian, move on!” (I’d just—move on.)

Also: “I’M HERE TO FIND A SPECIAL WOMAN In Sales, Marketing, or Promotions in (Cityname, Townberg, Localville).” Gotta wonder what he’s hoping for. Maybe he thinks they could go in the back and—do some inventory.

Here’s a very gentlemanly reply to a photo: “No disrespect, baby, but in your picture you look like you are taking a heavy dump.” Remember, he meant no disrespect.

Lastly, from my own life: a housemate (let’s call her Michelle, since that was actually her name) had a Date on her birthday and complained the next day that she hadn’t had a good time. She didn’t know why, though.

“He has the right kind of job. He drives a really nice car. We went out to dinner at (Chez La Dee Dah) and then he took me to (Big-Ass Arena to see hot band on tour). He spent a lot of money. He’s the kind of guy I should like. Why don’t I like him?”

“Hey, Michelle, what if you really liked this guy, he’s cute, he’s smart, he listens to you, but he drives a cab?”

Should’ve saved my strength and said, “Hey, Michelle, why not make some room in your closet by giving your designer jeans to the homeless?”

Yeah yeah yeah, Get thee to a nunnery, why doncha. Well, you don’t have to go on Dates there!

It was a real favor, though. Just a few things I’ve been able to do through craigslist:

#get hired to dress up in a hat and cape and sing Xmas carols in Georgetown  (DC) during the shopping frenzy after Turkey Day

#buy a pair of 2^nd-hand but still really good stereo speakers

#proctor law school finals last December, which basically means I got paid to sit and read a book

#find auditions and open mic nights

# get with other comedians and join a writers’ group.

And that’s all been swell. Mostly. There’ve only been a couple of promo jobs where I had to threaten legal action to get paid, but hey, that could happen anywhere, right? Right. The world is changing., and this is the new way we schmooze, but these are still the neighbors.

So let me tell you about the neighborhood on Washington, DC craigslist. You know how in regular neighborhoods there are associations that get together to deal with all the stuff like who’s organizing the Cinco de Mayo fiesta and which intersection needs a stop sign before somebody gets killed for chrissake-? Well, the “gigs” on DC craigslist need one of those something awful. It’s like all the perverts made the same New Year’s resolution to be extra disgusting in 2010, and went online together. Ooooohhhh, I’m woozy just thinking about it. Like this one guy who said he knew there were women who felt bad about their bodies. He knew just how to help. If they’d just come over to his place and take their clothes off and spread their legs, he’d take special pictures and show them just how beautiful their vaginas are.

You know what? I suggested he could help women by making a donation to a scholarship fund. He didn’t like that idea. (But—he wanted to help women feel better about themselves….)

Then there’s this guy who posts over and over and over, looking for a “model” or “girl next door type”, 18-24. Hey, he might be a movie director, looking for the next Reese, Gwyneth, or Halle, right? Well, no. He wants a cute young thing to have sex with him a few times a week, and he’ll pay her $2000 a month to do it. This shouldn’t be too difficult, since he says he’s handsome and successful and intelligent and fun to be with. I can’t figure out why some guy who’s all those things keeps running this ad, but maybe he’s shy. Hmmmm: he’s intelligent, but he doesn’t seem to understand that sex for money is prostitution, and that’s illegal here.

Oh, and there’s the dude who’s got a foot fetish. He really likes Hispanic feet, with their pink soles—scuse me, I need bicarb here.

Oh yeah, here are some other neighbors, but more like the kind who come to the fiesta and eat all the tacos they can get, and then complain about “those people”:

“I want I want I want I want!!!!!” Take my wedding pictures! Design my business logo! Do my makeup/the makeup for the 6 models paying me for headshots/me and all my bridesmaids/storyboard my movie!!!! Of course, there’s no MONEY in it for you but: you get credit/you get experience/I’ll tell all my friends/you get pictures for your portfolio/you can stay and help yourself to the buffet and all the beer you can drink… (Explain to your landlord that you got paid in “she said she’d tell all her friends”.)

There was this one really special Bridezilla who was poor-mouthing about her wedding. Her fiancé was coming back from Iraq for the special day and who will bake a cake, she didn’t have it in the budget for a big bakery cake. Ooohhh, and only a few coins for the flowers, who will decorate the chapel? Whither a kind-hearted photographer to take pictures to show the future grandchildren? Well, of course she only had pocket change. She’d booked the Hotel Ginormous for the reception and wedding night, and invited CANADA!!

And I just love to see this kind of post in “writing gigs”: “I need a research paper written, subj. History of Grain Silos, pie charts req., ref. the Hapsburg Dynasty and the Panama Canal Zone. 20,000 wds, due by tomorrow, counts as half my final grade.” There’s usually some kind of chump change offered, but usually the GW Bush wanna-be seems to think that pulling an all-nighter for him is reward enough.

And—I’ll leave you with this—those types who blow their own horns, just in case Steven Spielberg or James Cameron is browsing craigslist instead of having their people set up auditions, which is so, you know, overdone: “Hi there I am a aktor put mee in yur moooveee I am hansum”.

Well, that’s my cyber-hood. Careful where you cyber-step.

Donations for fountain pen ink would be swell.

Surprisingly, none of the women there seemed really glad for the hot tip. I don’t know why. He’d saved some of us the price of a seminar or a book. But what about the guys? I’m thinking there were several possibilities: one, he looked around the room and all the male humans looking back were scary-ugly. Two, he’s used to thinking that men get to be architects and drive trains and stuff, whereas women answer phones and cook and can trade sex for money. Third, he thinks “gigolo” is Italian for gelatin.

I could use the extra income, but I just don’t see myself getting into this line of work. Bad knees, for one thing. And what if I got audited?

“Ma’am, you’ve listed penicillin as a business expense. Care to explain?”

I’m thinking I might need a lot of penicillin, and maybe some drugs to take the edge off at the end of a shift, and that could be a little tough to explain to a CPA. Well, I’m sure this guy on stage was just trying to be funny. He was in a comedy club, after all. He probably didn’t literally mean that women who need money cause the economy tanked should be prostitutes. That would be dumb! And men are the smart ones. We know this because it says so in the Bible! (Hey, I hope none of you are wearing cotton socks and leather shoes right now. The Bible says that is gonna make God un-Friend you. But you knew that, cause you’ve studied your Good Book. Gosh, I’m glad we’re having this little chat.) Yeah, so men know about God, and who has contraceptives instead of babies, and where women have to wear pup tents so they don’t accidentally show their elbows –it’s important stuff, don’t you read the paper?—your town probably still has one. So this guy, being a guy, would be smart, and know that prostitutes get beaten up and killed and –oh, some other bad stuff can happen, and tends to, and the police usually don’t care. Oh, I know. He was making a joke. It was a comedy club! And I just don’t get it, not being one-a those smart male people. Is this like those fart jokes? Cause I don’t get those, either. Now, if I could write a bunch of those, I bet I’d get rich, and then that guy wouldn’t tell me to, you know. Oh, yeah, he would, cause it’s funny. Right?